Lindsey cut her own hair and had to go to the hairdresser to have it fixed. It reminds me of the Dorothy Hamel haircuts I had as a child.

I think that I need a good cry. Today we went to open house at the catholic school in town so that we could take a look at their preschool program. I've heard great things about the program and the cost is reasonable. It seems like the best fit for Lindsey for the fall. The program seems great but I left feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I don't want Lindsey to go to a full day preschool program even though I know that she is ready and being at my mom's house all day isn't the best for her. The winter has been very difficult for my mom, she's depressed, and they don't leave the house too often. Lindsey spends much of the day on the computer and watching tv. I know that it sounds really bad but part of me is okay with it because I know that she's safe with my mom.

I've started putting the word out that I'm available to work from home again. I love my current job but I can't even work from home one day a week. Damn.

I have another big thing going on in my life that I need to start writing about. Maybe I can get back into a routine of writing her more often.

test - to see if my comments are working.....

It snowed again! It's raining now which is causing a horrible slushy mess and will probably freeze later. I spent most of yesterday baking and will continue today since we have no reason to venture into this weather.

I spoke with my mom this morning before I left the house for work and she told me that my brother and his wife went to their first grief counseling support group last night. I can’t explain it but my heart felt so heavy yet I was relieved that they finally went. I cried all the way to work. My brother has really been in denial and felt that he didn’t need help getting through the grief process. I knew this wasn’t the case at all. He had promised my parents that they would go but I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to get my mom off his back. They went and they admitted that it was hard but they feel like they connected with the others there and they are going to go back next month.

Fall is finally here! It’s starting to get cooler and it gets dark so early. I’m not quite ready for it but I have no choice.

We got a dog in August. A lady that Chad works with was looking for a home for her shih tzu. She’s black and white and her name is Oreo and she is the best behaved dog ever and she’s so lovable. She’s almost 3 yrs. old but she’s still tiny and weighs less than 10lbs. She’s so attached to us already, especially the kids. If they go outside to play she cries at the door because she wants them but she doesn’t care to be outside much. She wants them to come back in the house.

Today was Alexandria's funeral. It was sunny when we woke up but was raining when we got to the cemetery. Only family members were invited to the graveside service. I don't think that my brother and sister in-law could have handled much more than that. There are so many unanswered questions.

How could this possibly happen again? My niece, Alexandria Marie, was stillborn last night. She weighed 6lbs. 9oz. and had a beautiful round face, tiny button nose and chubby cheeks. There was no indication that anything was wrong until yesterday morning when my sister in-law stopped feeling her move. They were told to go to the hospital but we all reassured them that everything would be fine. It wasn’t.

My cousin, a doctor who specializes in Maternal Fetal Medicine, happens to be here right now on vacation. She truly believes that there is a link to Baby D’s infant death and Alexandria’s stillbirth. She is working with my SIL’s OB-GYN to bring back the placenta and other tissue to her hospital to try to get answers for my brother and his wife. She specializes in pregnancy loss and I really hope that she can find some answers for them.

The past 6 weeks leading up to this had already been pretty shitty. We lost Chad’s uncle, 54 years old, to cancer. Chad was very close to him as he took Chad under his wing when Chad’s parents died.

At this same time, my grandfather was hospitalized with double pneumonia. He’s home now and recovering slowly.

I had a 32 day period that ended with a D&C and a hysteroscopy last Thursday.

Since I started my new job I feel like I have a dark cloud of death and illness following me.

Mama Bear gently reminded me that I haven’t posted in my blog lately. I think of things to write about but then I never get to it. I’m a very bad blogger.

I’ve been at my new job for 3 weeks now and I love it. I didn’t realize how bored I was with my old job. It was such a chore for me to get motivated before. Now, I’m learning so many things and it’s challenging too.

My mom watches my kids and my 12 year old niece during the week. They usually head to the beach by 9am and return home for lunch. In the afternoon, they usually go swimming in the pool or just playing in the backyard. Their summer is much like the summers I enjoyed when I was a kid.

My brother got married on June 9th and Lindsey was the flower girl. The wedding went very well even if my mom did ALL of the work. The new baby is due in August and I think that I already mentioned that it is a baby girl. We’re very excited and equally nervous.

On June 16th, my cousin got married in a very fancy wedding at a country club in Easton. Kaelyn was the flower girl and it was probably the most fun I’ve ever had at a wedding. Certainly, I was nervous in the beginning and during the ceremony because Kaelyn’s dress was floor length and she was having a little difficulty walking. She (and I) were nervous that she’d trip on the front of her dress even though I tried to coach her on how to walk. It went perfectly and she looked stunning. The DJ’s (three of them) were fantastic and had every single person dancing throughout the evening. My brother barely danced at his own wedding the week before but he was all over the dance floor on this night and he wasn’t even drinking. Kaelyn and Lindsey both danced all night and had so much fun. I have tons of pictures and I’ll try to post them on my flickr account soon.

Kaelyn starts 2nd grade in the fall and is thrilled that she will have the teacher that she wanted. I actually spoke with her 1st grade teacher at the end of the year because I was concerned that she would get the other teacher who is just plain evil. I knew that Kaelyn is afraid of her so I mentioned it to Mrs. A. She informed me that Kaelyn had been enrolled in the “evil” teacher’s class but Mrs. A asked that K be switched because she knew that it wouldn’t be a good fit. I was so thankful that Mrs. A was watching for Kaelyn’s best interest.

We’re in the middle of a heat wave. The timing is pretty good because we’re caring for Chad’s cousin’s cats while they are in the Virgin Islands. After we feed the cats the kids go swimming in their pool for awhile. Tonight I think that we’re going to bring over some food to throw on the grill. The longer we can stay outside the better.